Unsurprisingly, with such kinetic designs come kinetic pains. For the uninitiated and the masochistically nostalgic, this then is your handy handbook… to keep at hand, as it were. When sorting your 'Wagglethritis' from your 'Gullible Gamers' Regret' proves too lethal to cure in time. We here at the PALGN Institute of Cunningly Disguised Topical Lists (PICDTL) have done the poor research, so the arbitrarily tired numbers don't have to.
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The Button Bashing Blisters
Arguably the earliest recorded instance of videogame-related kinetic mishaps, the affectionately acronym'd BBBs date back as far as the early 1980s. A time when game design was still in its high score haze, the notion of testing the stamina of a player's digits seemed like a worthwhile laugh -- for a few minutes. The subsequent unimaginative clones and era-spanning mini-game implementations had other plans, however. Whether they possessed athletic aesthetics or otherwise, the goal of such titles was simple -- rapidly tap, tap, and tap that button/directional pad as fast as you can, fool. Strategy guides are understandably a rare commercial endeavour for such a wrist-depraving past-time.
Noted contractible sources: Track & Field; Epyx sports titles; Mario Party; Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas' gyms, the cheaply implemented quick-time event (QTE).
Symptoms to watch out for: Reddened, sore thumbs; random spasms of the fingers and/or wrists (coequally referred to as "**** YOU 100 Metre Dash"); nightmarish visages of the word 'TAP' predisposing every waking action in your life.
Remedial suggestions: Rapid-fire controllers do wonders in most cases. In lue of wily anti rapid-fire programming, anxiously sticking your tongue out at weird angles and/or swearing at the screen in synchronised foreign tongues can help alleviate stress levels, albeit briefly.
Addendum 1: Potential victims should also note that, in the case of Mario Party, the BBBs may also be substituted for the AAAs -- that is, Asinine Analogue Angling.
Addendum 2: While the BBBs are a gaming health hazard of a more or less bygone era, recent reports suggest the ailment could be making a deathly re-injection into the industry's portable veins.
Crapthatneverworksasadvertiseditis
(also known as 'Gullible Gamer's Regret')
Circumventing intensely provoking videogame actions, such as 'move left', 'move right' and 'jump', to a convoluted and ridiculous-looking kinetically-powered device, was understandably (not) seen as a step forward for human-technology interaction, let alone the videogame industry as a whole -- especially when realising a laughably traditional controller (HA!) would otherwise suffice. Thus, Crapthatneverworksasadvertiseditis festered and spread. Optional, perhaps; street-credible impulse buys, maybe. Embarrassing to use? Definitely. Promising to "CHANGE THE WAY YOU PLAY YOUR OLD GAMES, DUDE", the only measure of 80s/90s styled XTREMEness procuring one of these assured, was in the subsequent disappointment and empty wallet. At least the advertising was downright awesome.
Noted contractible sources: The Power Pad (aka Family Fun Fitness); Sega Activator Ring; that guy in The Wizard who was Fred Savage’s brother’s rival.
Symptoms to watch out for: Looking like an absolute git; disappointment, followed by self-imposed blind satisfaction (because it's not like you'll be receiving anything else for Christmas, sucka); the urge to blurt out how much you love an inanimate object, relative to its overplayed 'badness' factor.
Remedial suggestions: Fortunately, no remedies are necessary, as cases of Crapthatneverworksasadvertiseditis all but halted their spread after the dumb-founded contraption rush of the 80s and 90s. Indeed, in the advanced technological age humanity currently resides in, we're fortunate to not have the choice to pointlessly have our game motions be inhibited by such prohibitive plastic pieces of…
…oh, right.
Nopainnogamephilus
Admittedly, the kinetic afflictions listed thus far, more or less originate, and are therefore safely contained within the videogame industry. That said, such ailments can very well be contracted from outside foreign sources. Indeed, no-name entities and renowned conglomerates alike have tossed their own interpretations of what 'games + exercise' should mean into the proverbial exergaming ring. An inverted viral evolution of Crapthatneverworksasadvertiseditis, the Nopainnogamephilus syndrome at least benefits by encompassing devices that actually work. Shame about the shallow carrot-on-a-stick mentality underlying the actual 'game integration' of the lot of them.
Noted contractible sources: Gamercize; NeoRacer; PCGamerBike; Nike+.
Symptoms to watch out for: A transformation of your daily jogs into a MMO-like competitive level grind; the sweat patches forming on your playing furniture of choice; the confusing 'patting your head while rubbing your stomach' mentality of it all.
Remedial suggestions: We may be way off here, but to exercise without an obnoxiously shallow incentive could also be a viable, if attention-disorienting, possibility. Just putting it out there.
Musical Muscle Tones
Music, makes the people, come together, apparently. Music, makes the bourgeoisie, and the rebels -- at least, according to some wrinkly pop harlot relic. Music has also become a staple regime of videogame-related exercise, albeit 'subtly' so. What was first popularised as an arcade novelty past-time -- attracting the yockel hordes in from far and wide to watch the latest publicly (albeit passively) ridiculed victim of dance their heart condition away at the local Timezone -- has evolved into an interactive aural sensation in living rooms and wannabe rockstar bedrooms the world over. Make no qualms about it -- the positive benefits of MMT far outweigh the negative. After all, who doesn't want to possess drumming arms that can eventually punch clean through a brick wall?
Noted contractible sources: Dance Dance Revolution and its Bemani brethren; Rock Band; Samba de Amigo.
Symptoms to watch out for: The distinct audible bleeding of your ears to the sound of overly loud J-Pop; the distinct audible incessant wailing of your band's drummer; the distinct audible plugging of the final bullet in the arcade scene's cranium; the distinct audible punches to the cranium as a result of taking DDR dance moves to a real nightclub.
Remedial suggestions: According to research, the most effective means of downplaying MMT is to constrict the time of contact with the contractible sources. One should therefore attempt to dance on Expert, while rocking a guitar solo, with drum pads attached to their feet, all the while gyrating the maracas pinned to their ears. And then take photos for the Internet's prosperity. Please.
Waggla
(also known as 'Wagglethritis' or 'Youvegottobe********me')
The level of unintentional contortion and limb breakage attainable through playing the latest generation of gesture-powered malarkey is a worthwhile substitute for the layman's yoga -- and a medical chapter that will be filled with any number of 'unintentional' candidates, at that. The Sangha has got nothing on poorly implemented 'waggle' or axis angling. Granted, most Waggla cases require physical over-exaggeration on the imbecilic part of the player. However, unlike the storied phenomenon that was the optional Crapthatneverworksasadvertiseditis, the overall present day attitude of forcing players down a repetitive, unresponsive interface in most cases separates the two ailments. Nevertheless, history (more or less) does indeed repeat itself.
Noted contractible sources: Lair (pre-patch); Warhawk demonstrations; Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz; Donkey Kong Jet Race.
Symptoms to watch out for: Painful reminders of muscles you never knew actually existed; Wii Remotes lodged in unsightly areas; developing motion controls for a game that even you yourself wouldn't touch, let alone test; getting paid to overexaggerate motions for thinly-veiled advertising purposes.
Remedial suggestions: Options, plz.
Addendum: Attention whores and sexual fitness fiends rejoice. Forget the fact that a Wii Remote is no substitute in either supportive weight or height for a pole dancer's tool of the trade (or, at least we've been informed of as much...). Forget the fact that to truly practice the art at home, you'd need to bash holes through the ceiling and floor of your living room. No, developer Peekaboo, of the recently contested Wii pole dancing game, has stumbled upon a heretofore undiscovered level of Waggla confoundment -- that of "let's see how high that ratio of gullible consumers versus guaranteed injuries can go".
Limp Linches
Chances are you arrived at this article under the false pretence of a much-needed validation of your hardened insides. With the amount of kinetic attention given to the supposed 'non-gamer', it's easy for the self-professed 'hardcore' game player to feel left out or inadequate. The assuredly sickening imagery of soccer mums waggling their calories away is a powerful turn-off. As is the haunting denial of games taking less than 100 hours to complete, or the sight of the elderly as mortified as they are forcibly made entertained by new technology, brain training to an inevitable demise. Sure, Nintendo and its brethren's attention has been mildly averted to a motion-filled mainstream audience. It's difficult to believe, but they still love you. Honest. It's not them, it's you.
Noted contractible sources: Every single Luddite sadly bestowed with both an interest in videogames and access to the Internet.
Symptoms to look out for: Forum threads filled with over-analysed paranoia and theories of abandonment; purchasing a console renowned for its style of output, and feeling the right to complain about it after the fact; concentrating your petty rage on what is popular, seemingly forgetting the hundreds and thousands of other games from the past, present and future that are not aimed at the 'non-gamer'.
Remedial suggestions: A shoe to the face of the afflicted, preferably attached to a moving foot. For maximum results, try aiming for a 50 to 500 kilometres per hour range.
Iwannabetheguytoothropy
(also known as 'Konami's Foot', 'The Irritable Eye(Toy)', or 'The Screaming Wiis')
It's difficult watching the unanimous craze surrounding Nintendo's current prized console, or the 'surprise' reception to Guitar Hero, without a heavy retconned feeling of depression. Here are devices offering physical pastimes that have transcended their unique social and cultural standing, to a sensationally worldwide overplayed chestnut -- and yet, you were there first. Fiddlesticks to the 'exergaming breakthrough' catchphrases carelessly belied about by poorly researched news channels. You opened up new avenues of free-moving kinetic entertainment (read: waving your body about like a loon in front of a television screen). You were the one attracting the otherwise disinterested in videogames CES attendees. Heck, you started the whole music videogame genre, right? Proving that being first doesn't necessarily guarantee the mass market dividends -- or the wily foresight for that matter -- you laid the groundwork, while Nintendo and/or Harmonix literally ran with it, laughing all the way to the bank. And back tenfold.
Noted contractible sources: Wii Sports, Wii Fit, Guitar Hero, and every subsequent attempt by separate parties to replicate their success; EyeToy: Kinetic; EyeToy: Groove, EyeToy: Play, EyeToy: This; EyeToy: That; EyeToy: Here; EyeToy: There, the upcoming decade-late Rock Revolution.
Symptoms to watch out for: Having completely no idea what you have in your formerly impetuous hands until its gone; grinding your 'imitation' software range into a homogenised pulp; incessant press releases reminding everyone of your total lack of business acumen.
Remedial suggestions: Purchase copious amounts of Nintendo stock ASAP.
Addendum: Bacteria strands indicate Microsoft may very well be coming down with a strong case of Iwannabetheguytoothropy, hoping to enter the motion controller ring for a slice of the popularity and profits. If true, this will be a bold and totally uncharacteristic act on the part of the company. And we really did almost type that last sentence out without snickering once.
Elf Bowl(ing) Movements
While not requiring strict kinetic movement per se, humanity should nevertheless always be reminded of the physical, mental and even spiritual dangers of Elf Bowling. Whether it's for the Nintendo DS’ appropriately bowel-clenching number 1 and 2 -- or any of the other innuendo-less titled entries in the epic franchise -- their design, emanating from the unscientific pit of Hades himself, is the least of your cash-constipating worries.
Noted contractible sources: Duh.
Symptoms to look out for: The alternating pain stemming either from the victim's face and/or crotch area.
Remedial suggestions: Futile.
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If symptoms persist, please don't see your doctor. Unless of course, you provide a recording of said awkward medical session, at the cost of your naďve ego -- then, by all means, knock yourself out.
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